I was at the first monthly stitch-n-bitch that my Alterna-mom group had put together when I got a call from the husband. Truth be told, when I’m out on social business I tend to “ignore” his calls because he’s got a history of calling about frivolous things on the spur-of-the-moment. However, in the past two years he’s really turned his history around (like to the point of “are you really the same person?” sometimes. I said SOMEtimes) so he’s knowledgeable about the fact that I will ignore his call if I’m socializing. So he called my best friend. For future purposes we shall henceforth refer to her as LaFemme. Cuz she is. Anyways, Baph (that’s husbands sobriquet) calls LaFemme right away and she answers cuz she knows if he’s calling HER it must be actually important. She hands me the phone.

“I fell off my bike” says Baph and immediately I envision him standing on top of the seat doing some kind of balancing act to the cheers of his friends and then falling down. This, of course, is ridiculous and not at all what he meant. I can tell because his voice sounds tense and shaky, just like someone who’s been in a wreck.

“I think I broke my leg” says he.

‘oh gawd,’ I thought,’ not another hospital co-pay’ because I am a devoted and loving wife like that. Meaning I’m so loving I thought that but didn’t say it at all.

“where are you honey”

“North Carolina”

“uh… do you want me to come and get you?”

“no, Lou’s going to drive me down home so you can take me to the ER”

“Honey, dont’ you think that if your leg is broken maybe you should go to the ER sooner? like NOW?”

“I called the Blue Cross Nurseline and she said I can put ice on it and come home”

“uh, okay I guess I’ll see you in two hours”

Well his leg wasn’t broken. Which is great because that’d really mess up a lot of plans we both have been making for the next few months. Like I said, I’m a devoted loving wife so I can tell you right now that I’ve been taking care of everything around here and filled with happiness to be waiting on my husband while he lays up his incredibly bruised and hideous-looking leg.

Well, I would be if it weren’t for the fact that this accident came about because SOMEBODY just HAD to go on a motorcycle ride with his pals while it was raining. yeah, see I am not particularly antsy about him riding, but I do get somewhat displeased when he rides in the rain. Every time he rides in the rain I can’t decide whether I want to brain him for being so stupid or disable his motorcycle until he promises to stop doing that. I know sometimes its really inconvenient to wait out the weather but you know, we DO have another vehicle so there’s always the option to call me and come get him. If he’s on a mountain ride? What is so outrageous about the idea of waiting once it starts to rain? I am willing to bet that any rain that happens is of the brief variety.   Even if “brief” means 3 or 4 hours: I’d rather have him be late than have him make a call like that to me again.

So while I’m trying to be helpful and sympathetic, I have to admit to a certain amount of emotional salad:  bitter “I toldja so”, anxious “why did you do that!?”, and angry “you DUMB SHIT!”

yeah there’s maybe a little relieved “well I’m glad you’re mostly okay”

maybe