heartbeat matching the dhol thumping pounding like feet stamping in unison
sweat beading on my face, breath shallow and short in anticipation,
lean forward, not enough screen for my eyes to drink in the event
thoughts cascade
how can they do that? how can so many strangers fit on that platform without falling? dancing waving their turbans, banging their heads, twitching in time,
footsteps pounding still,
Thump thump
words I don’t know, can’t know, but familiar from other songs
man’s voice drops down, conspiratorial whisper, speaking of wearing his love like a charm, a way to keep her heart with him at all times
he kisses his own hands and touches his cheeks in reverence for the love so spiritual for him
head bowed, eyes closed the music seems to pause even as
Thump thump, footsteps marching still
Thump thump
song swells, man bursts with his proclamation of devotion, strange to this American as his climactic moment is singing about friendship, not lust
arms thrust to the sky, train swiftly moving still all around him lift their arms in agreement
A song, a video, a movie, a dance…. all this is playing out before me on Youtube. This piece, clip, part, excerpt plays and the past unfolds…
being pregnant and chair-bound, watching videos for new music,
stunned, elated, tears of joy
Holding onto my chair, trying to dance in my ninth month because the rhythm will not be denied
TURN UP THE VOLUME LOUDER LOUDER LOUDER
suddenly my boys, teenagers all, are with me, writhing and hopping in their gangly gawky way
but elation from me becomes frenetic haste in them
we jump in unison
Thump thump bare feet stamp a beat that threatens our poor carpeted floor
Thump thump
all together, so rare for us, nearly desperate to push the feelings out of our bodies and into our feet
words are mouthed with the notes even though we know nothing of the language
English, for my boys, is no less mysterious, syllables to trip over in attempts to reach out to other humans
music sounds beckon like a crooking finger in front of a revolving door
THUMP THUMP heart slamming along until there is no discernment of time, of bodies, of separation
together all four of us jerk, twist, nod and shake out all the connection we cannot put to words in our quiet moments of mundane life
THUMP THUMP is the chant of our feet as video plays forgotten
nothing but the music, the unknown syllables turned to one more instrument to flick our attention to
man and woman, voices tease each other, nearly touching in their words and tune, wrapping around each other like caduceus – separate but climbing upwards, ever upwards
break in the song twinkles with promise, the beat sits behind different movements
unevenly other sounds move forward, retreat,
man’s voice breaks in like peeking through curtains
surprise again as woman’s voice answers the man once, only once and together they continue their spiral towards climax
But we can’t stop now, our bodies are not done,
I click “repeat” before anyone can move
and the keening of the start soothes our firey nerves, stopped too soon
introduction done, we resume our consensual march
Thump thump, family soldiers we are, building an intimacy so elusive there is no name for it now
The Moon is a woman and so am I
Different faces to different viewers
Sometimes shining, glowing, turning
Other times cloudy, scarred and scary
We move through the emptiness that is void and fearful
Without once looking, planning or choosing decisively
The path seems familiar, set and sturdy
but every night it flexes, bends and gives
I am a woman and so is the moon
A process unfolding for all to see
At times dissolving, always evolving
Proving that every change has two doors
We share stardust in our atoms
Something that gives hope and despair to know
All my trials are not new
For that globe, that rock, that cold lifeless stone
Has so much greater history
The woman in me is the moon
Fullness within and mystery without
Like the phase I move through,
Murky and moody until it envelopes my world
What I carry in me is only potential
That reflects what the moon cannot give
Did she give it up somewhere in the shaping of this world?
Are there enough romantic notions to tell that story?
What else is it that draws us together?
The shine, the coldness, the potential
Could create fear, longing, love
and that is the connection I feel
That beginning, that grand split that shows the essence of creation
Because I can give life, nuture life, and dream of the future so easily
While the moon can only remind me
of all that was sacrificed to create everything I see
when I look up
One night
in slow motion
twisting and turning
creates the commotion
Once bright
For my body flows like ice
solid liquid floating past
beholds a secret spice
One sight
the floe is just beneath
waiting for a bit of warmth
a tiny charge
electrolytic feast
Won night
with my prize
sugar surging, heart pounding, muscles melting as lava
I claim this for my own
no more worry, fuss and hurry, anxiety or bother
Dark night
in soft cushions
Her face behind my eyes
glowing like a cherub,
promises are made of this
my love, my life, my harem
Long night
in our caves
sweet long lashes brush her cheeks
I want them on my skin
sliding strong hands
exploring the terrain
love is not a sin
Hold tight
to this vision
my heart explodes into dust
glitter on my soul
for all the longing come to this
Majestic night
in starry windows
one glance and I’m amazed,
without light the heavens shine so bright
and every inch of her is praised
One night
with my love
our breaths in unison
sliding further, rising higher,
moving closer, burning pyre,
our space is now undone
That night
when I laid with you, as so many times before
arms wrapped around me
so many threads of a web collapsed
Your face against my neck
eyelashes flickering tiny kisses
straight to my soul
filling up the room
with the haze of my desire
and the gentle push of my want
My want
when I laid with you, as so many times before
breath hurtling together
so much rhythm -more than our hearts
moving closer and slower
feeling myself melt
and turn into you
nothing but beauty and light in there
arched neck, lashes thick against your cheeks
lips drawn apart with a subtle blush
That moment
when I laid with you, as so many times before
skin brushing hair, fingers grazing skin
closing the gap between us
building to a crest that crashed against my life
billowing blowing blushing
and crushing
all my doubts
about who we had become
All night
while i laid beside you, as so many times before
thoughts ceaseless and harsh
taunting and cruel
bringing fear and sadness back from the depths of our past.
For all the love I had
could not hold you to me
when the rocks would fall
and they did fall
as they always do
and I would watch your diminishing form
holding all the memories and sweet notes
you took for the next in line
and that one moment, that night, that want,
was all I had left to keep
and one night, one moment, one want,
-not enough to keep us together
-just enough for me to hold
and know that you did love me
if only for one night
smibbo 