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Eighth Grade: a movie by Bo Burnham

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by smibbo (c) 2023

SUMMARY

The movie Eighth Grade, written and directed by Bo Burnham, was released by A24 films in 2018. The movie is available to stream for free with a Max subscription. It is also available to rent on Prime.

The principal characters: Kayla Day, a 13-year old girl in the last week of eighth grade; Mark Day, Kayla’s father; Aiden, Kayla’s classmate and secret crush; Olivia, a high school girl who mentors Kayla for a day; Riley, a friend of Olivia’s; Kennedy and Steph, both classmates of Kayla’s; and Gabe, Kennedy’s cousin.

The movie opens with Kayla making an entry for her video blog. This is the framework of the story; each blog entry sets up Kayla’s actions for the next or on-going scene.

 There are many familiar themes in Eighth Grade that we have covered in class, but I will focus on the following four: Family, Identity, Intimacy and Peer groups.

THEMES

Family

In the movie, the only family member that exists is Kayla’s father, Mark. Kayla’s mother is nonexistent. Mark mentions her leaving when Kayla was a baby, so it is clear her absence is normal for them both. As is mentioned in the textbook, Adolescence: 10th ed, children of single parent homes who did not live through the conflict of divorce or custody issues, fare marginally better than children from two-parent homes that have conflict  of any sort (Steinberg, 2014). In a meta-study titled Early Mother-child separation, parenting, and child well-being in Early Head Start families about early-maternal abandonment, assumptions are made about maternal abandonment signaling unstable households that are chaotic for the child (Howard, 2011) But Kayla and her father do not suffer from poverty nor is their home life chaotic or unstable. They clearly have a stable routine; they eat dinner together, Mark has clearly expressed rules, and he bids her good night every evening.

According to the textbook, Mark’s parenting style of expectations and attention fits well into the Authoritative style (p. 130). One might think he leans slightly towards Indulgence, due to his quiet style of allowing Kayla to talk to him rudely, but he imposes his rules by successfully insisting she pay attention to him when he speaks. When he speaks, it is to encourage her and show he supports who she is.

As Mark reveals near the end of the movie, Kayla was always a compassionate, kind child  indicating she did not need an abundance of discipline or correction. Mark’s style is a response to Kayla’s personality as much as her behavior towards him is a response to his parenting style. This bears out the claim outlined in the textbook that parents influence how their children behave towards them and vice versa (p. 128)

One scene in particular show’s Mark’s authoritative side clearly: the mall trip. Kayla goes to hang out with her new friend Olivia at the mall. After socializing for a while, someone notices Mark from afar; he has been watching Kayla with her friends. Only Kayla knows who he is and is immediately furious and humiliated. She runs away to confront him in private. As soon as Kayla sees Mark, he knows he has crossed a line with her, and immediately apologizes without fanfare or excuses, saying only “sometimes dads are weird and… I’m just being really weird.” He gives her money, apologizing again, and accepts it when she says she will get a ride home.

In that scene, Mark respects his daughter enough to admit he has wronged her, apologizes, and lets her come home without him.

Later, Kayla comes home disturbed by her experience with Riley and Mark attempts to comfort her. At first, she rebuffs him angrily, but he eventually rubs her back and talks to her soothingly. Their relationship is both realistic and loving, with mutual respect.


Identity

The movie begins with one of Kayla’s video blog entries about “being yourself” Watching Kayla throughout the movie, the obvious question arises “but what if you don’t know who you are? Or what if you don’t like who you are? What if you want to be someone else?”

This is Kayla’s current struggle. Her current identity is not clear to her. The very first thing we see at school is that the person voted “most quiet” by her classmates is Kayla. According to her blog post, she does not believe she is quiet; she simply has no one she wants to talk to.

Adolescents build and discover their identity over the course of their maturity. One of the first steps is differentiating their self-concept. As per the textbook, Kayla is learning that personality traits can be a spectrum, rather than binary (p. 256). Kayla does not just say “I’m not really quiet” she contextualizes it. This is a subject that comes up again when she is with her new friends at the mall; she tells Riley “I used to be quiet too” and they tease each other about it. This is true of all her efforts to change. She wants to have more confidence, and more self-esteem, but it is not straight-forward. Confidence may not help you make friends at a party where you are unwanted, but it might work when you decide to sing karaoke. With each success, you can see Kayla’s self-esteem move up. Likewise, with each failure, you can see her disappointment in herself.

Kayla is a member of Generation Z; the internet and social media is effortless and embedded in her life. Her self-perception centers on how she presents herself online, not so much as how she is in real life. In the beginning, this presents what the textbook defines as false self-behavior; describing oneself in ways that are opposite of how one is while being aware of the dissonance (p. 256).

What’s interesting, and probably the crux of the movie, is that Kayla exhibits uncommon bravery wrestling with Erikson’s struggle of Identity versus Identity Diffusion as mentioned in the textbook (p. 266). In trying out different personality traits in social situations, Kayla uses the reactions of others (mostly her peers) to judge herself. She knows she has succeeded or failed to achieve those traits. To wit, Kayla  actively decides to start taking her own advice.

It is not until she meets Olivia and hangs out with her that Kayla feels like she may have finally found someone she can “be herself” around. When she is with Olivia’s group, Kayla mostly observes but is not too overwhelmed to join in occasionally. It is the first time we see Kayla relax and have fun. Her identity, at least with this group, is comfortable.


Intimacy

Like all humans, Kayla craves connection. But Kayla has no intimate friends at all. Until she meets Olivia, Kayla is isolated; she has no friends, no group, and despite playing in orchestra, does not seem to socialize with her peers at all. Her only intimate relationship is with her father.

Early in the movie, Kayla reacts to seeing Aidan, her secret crush. Later, she is in her bed, pretending to kiss him while watching a video he has posted online. Romantic interest in early adolescents who have no other history of intimacy is highly unusual. Studies mentioned in the textbook state that girls’ romantic intimacy grows from previous intimate relationships (p. 338) but Kayla has none. This makes her sudden romantic aspirations and subsequent actions inauthentic. It becomes clear that Aidan is only interested in sexual matters which Kayla is not knowledgeable about.

In a later scene with Riley, Kayla is overwhelmed by his sexual overtures, and adamant about not complying. Her ability to stand up for herself is also inauthentic; it is well known that girls in early adolescence who are pressured for sexual activity often end up becoming sexually active against their will. (p. 343)

This was one of the only parts of the movie that did not ring true. However, the study Patterns of Romantic Relationship Experiences and Psychosocial Adjustment from Adolescence to Young Adulthood has shown that dating among adolescents is highly variable and correlations with self-esteem and life satisfaction are not statistically significant (Gonzalez Avilés, 2021). So perhaps it is merely unusual rather than inauthentic.

Near the end of the movie, Kayla has a date with Gabe, whom she met at Kennedy’s party. They simply talk and eat McDonald’s nuggets. It is a sweet and natural scene showing Kayla’s newfound ability to relax. This scene is authentic, in that it shows a natural progression from intimacy in friendship, to intimacy on a deeper level. A meta-study titled Teenagers in Love has shown that dating fulfills varied needs for young adolescents, from social status to feeling “normal” to simply getting rid of loneliness. Early experiences with “love” are often more a visual infatuation (Moore, 2016). By the time Kayla has her first real date, she seems ready to try actual dating, rather than fantasizing.

Peer Groups

The textbook delineates peer groups into cliques and crowds. Crowds are a large, group of people who share some kind of status or reputational identity. Crowds are often formed from many cliques. A clique is a small group of friends who all are roughly the same age and sex who usually have a few things in common (pp. 158-159). Kayla is part of neither. The textbook outlines different forms of popularity as sociometric popularity (how much others like you) and perceived popularity (where you fit in the hierarchy) (p. 174) Since Kayla is well aware that she has no perceived popularity, the only thing she can change on her own is her sociometric popularity by trying to get others to like her.

What is crucial to the identity theme, however, is that Kayla has actively decided to become someone different. In her social context, she needs her classmates to see her differently. As the textbook explains, crowds and cliques help adolescents define who they are by adopting the traits of their peer group and positively reinforcing that identity (p. 183).

Kayla’s efforts to get the popular girls, Kennedy and Steph, to like her fall flat. It is not until she bonds with Olivia, someone who is a likeable, kind helpful person, that Kayla feels like she does not have to change everything about herself.

One of the last scenes in the movie is Kayla waiting to graduate. She suddenly decides to talk to Kennedy and Steph. She politely informs them that they are not good people, while she is a good person. By doing so, Kayla reinforces her confidence and self-regard. Afterward, Kayla smiles, knowing she has been true to herself. This self-perpetuating cycle of confidence and self-esteem is a result of maturing prosocial reasoning and though it’s somewhat early in Kayla’s maturation, it is reasonable due to her father’s positive parenting, her early signs of empathy and her successful attempts at self-regulation (i.e. the panic attack at the party). This cycle fulfills the outline from the textbook neatly (pp. 305-306) and is believable and accurate.

CONCLUSION

Overall, the movie Eighth Grade is a highly accurate portrayal of early adolescence. From the anxiety, the transitions, the burgeoning intimacy/sexuality, and the social struggling, it highlights what adolescence is all about: change. In the very end of the movie, Kayla promises her future self that whatever change comes, she will be able to weather it. What a perfect message for any teenager to learn.

Though Kayla’s progress is early, and quite fast, this can be attributed to the media chosen; in order for a two-hour movie to be worth watching, we need an appealing and relatable protagonist, and we must have some kind of resolution.

Kayla is a wonderful role model for both other adolescents to learn from, and for students of adolescence. She makes mistakes, stumbles blindly sometimes and yet picks herself up and tries again. This persistence is indicative of what it means to be human, whether teenager or adult. In that respect, it is a movie worth watching for anyone.

References

Gonzalez Avilés, T. F. (2021). Patterns of Romantic Relationship Experiences and Psychosocial Adjustment From Adolescence to Young Adulthood. Journal of youth and adolescence, 50(3), 550-562.

Howard, K. M.-G. (2011). Early Mother-child separation, parenting, and child well-being in Early Head Start families. Attachment and Human Development, 13 (1), pp5-26.

Moore, S. (2016, June 8). Teenagers in Love. The Psychologist, p. 2016. Retrieved from The Psychologist: The British Psychological Society: https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/teenagers-love

Steinberg, L. (2014). Adolescence Tenth Ed. NYC: McGraw-Hill.

Meditation (personal view)

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I learned TM when I was 12. My parents took me to a center and I was instructed as an adult. My family would meditate together on occasion but both my parents work schedules were erratic and we never established a regular pattern. I meditated on my own irregularly for many years until I became interested in religion. As I said, my father is a Zen Buddhist whereas my mother is a barely spiritual occasional Quaker. We went to unitarian church when we bothered to go at all.

I became interested in religion because I was brought up as an atheist. My mother was more tolerant of theism but my father was not when I was younger (he has softened his views since) so I was not going to tell him I was searching for something he thought was foolish. I began going to different churches – Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Episcopalian, Jewish and an occasional Buddhist service. None of them quite appealed to me in a broad way. I became interested in Wicca and started learning about it when I was about 15. I learned many different variations on meditation mostly referred to as “white light” exercises. Astral Projection was the idea that the body has an astral/ethereal/incorporeal presence that can be taken out of the physical. Naturally I was curious abotu that and began practicing it frequently. It was easy. I learned years later that what i was doing was really a sort of mindful TM or perhaps guided TM – acheiving a meditative state with a goal in mind by focusing my attention on my physical body instead of a mantra. I realized I did not need a mantra – quieting my mind is achievable without it. I could in fact use the meditative state of my body in deep relaxation to focus on anything inside of myself that I wanted to. I explored a lot of myself and who I am on different levels of the self. This tied in nicely to my interest in psychology. I followed several less popular psychiatric scholars (Reich, Piaget, Lacan) and discovered many of the theories they had were a good vocabulary to look within myself and catelogue in a sense who I am and who I wanted to be. I wish I could say I was a regular practitioner but I was sporadic as I was working and going to school as well. I also always seemed to have some boyfriend or girlfriend to take care of as well. INteresting that I was so busy focusing inwards that in the outer life I was drifting aimlessly, unconcerned with where my life was actually going. I realized meditation (at least eh sort I was doing or how i was using it) was becoming a way to create an apathy towards being present. A concept I am familiar with from growing up with Zen. Being present was easy to pretend by being removed and aloof -emotionally detached. It was a good way to avoid being dynamic and making real choices. I realized I also resented what Zen represented to me; a way to avoid emotional turmoil by denying its power and potential. I didn’t want to be an emotional robot forever analyzing everything with logic from an apathetic viewpoint. I had no agency in that regard. I wanted the opposite – to know how to experience the present without being ruled by it. I wanted to be able to feel in control of myself while letting go of control of my environment. acceptance, that elusive paragon of Buddhist “enlightenment” was a lot harder than Zen makes it sound! Especially when the Western interpretation is that one becomes “above” suffering of life by gliding over it rather than mastering one’s reaction to it. Rather than choosing my own state of mind, I was removing my mind from all states. Which was also why I managed to pick up a lot of wounded birds along the way and not know what to do with them.

One of my best friends is a Buddhist priest and he used to call me “Kuanyin” because I worried so much over my own emotional connection to the world that I jeopardized my connection to my own spirit. It isn’t hard to let others crowd out your own self-regard. But what he didn’t understand is that I reject Buddhism’s hyper-focus on lack of suffering. It too often translates into a rejection of emotional power. Buddhism is based on an idealized state – enlightenment but the picture of enlightenment in the West is one of detachment, rather than non-attachment. There is a crucial difference. And Buddhist practice is based on an idealized life that does not exist in the West or most industrialized nations. One does not live like a monk;full of simplicity and self-denial. Self-denial is easy when life only offers you little choices. Sandals or shoes? Robe or wrap? Pffft. Small inconsequential choices that allow a person to believe their state of mind is a clean slate when in fact is it simply in a clean environment. Throw a mirror into a crystal clear lake and your reflection is beautified. Throw a mirror into muddy waters and you’ll see nothing but filth. I cannot possibly expect to achieve the state of mind a monk has while living as a “regular” American. (and believe me, my life has hardly been “regular”) In order to attain some sort of peace within I need to accept and embrace the complicated chaotic state I am surrounded by first.

That is why TM eventually became a failed endeavor: it comes from a state of being that I do not have and do not want. I like running water, indoor toilets, sanitary conditions, transportation, easy access to information, devices that allow me to keep ties to people I love but cannot be near. I want to keep my “modern” life. It does not have to be ostentatious but I do not believe that I must throw away where I am in order to be in touch with who I am. Surely any method of self-actualization can encompass a variety of environmental differences? I don’t think TM does. Yoga does – it does not matter who you are or where you come from when you do yoga. I never was brave enough to try yoga but I have thought about it a lot lately.

On the practical side, TM involves sitting – which is uncomfortable and eventually painful for me. It also involves quietude which I have in rare precious quantities. Most of all, it involves focusing on nothing and becoming “empty”. The Tao has taught me the importance of real emptiness, I do not need meditation for that as a goal. I have different goals that I think go beyond TM – I don’t want to just relax and feel refreshed, I want to be able to actuate my inner knowledge and explore my true self. That is my connection to Godhead, of course, in whatever incarnation she may be. TM failed me there: it was a method to be calm and stop being two eyes peering out from my face but it went no further. If all I need is to relax, I can read a book or listen to music. or sing. Or dance. Or watch my daughter draw. or just be in the presence of someone who is dear to me. Those activities give me relaxation and a sense of connection to godhead because I am connected to someone else. TM just cuts me off from everyone and everything. It makes me feel void, not empty. I become a shell, not a vessel. 

After everything, I truly believe that emotional detachment is the wrong way. Of course being mired and controlled by your emotions is not good – it blinds you to the possibilities of change and you lose agency. But denial of emotions is wrong as well – it forces an artificial state and an unreal expectation. It also leaves you open to exploitation which I have learned enough of to know I want no more of ever. Emotions are powerful when they are examined and used as lessons – sometimes rewarding, sometimes punishing, but always emotions teach us something even if its just “pay attention!” I have acquired amazing energy and resolve through self-examination and realistic goals for my growth. Emotional guidance is something I think never stops teaching. 

and to be honest,what little I have learned from a small study of  Tantra has been far more helpful and introspective than anything I learned in TM or Zen meditation. TM has come to seem like a beginning to me in retrospect. I’ve only been able to understand and practice some Tantra but hopefully with the right circumstances I may be able to get back to it some day. 

From what I read on the Art of Living site, it seems that Sangha is hardly any different than TM or Chopra’s Bliss. Not that that is bad or wrong…

Different meditation styles for different stops along a path. Mine left mantra-laden TM  a while back. I need more than just mindfulness and relaxation. I aim to maintain my connection to godhead. Dharma is important but I want to get away from believing dharma alone will substitute for inner mindfulness. No matter how many rituals I perform or gurus I listen to, it all amounts to nothing if the lesson does not ring my bell inside.

Workers don’t want to come back? It’s not because of unemployment

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I agree that people, by and large, need to stop worshipping at the altar of “work”. Martyring yourself for your job is not a good thing. We shouldn’t be admiring people who ruin their social /family life in favor of working all the time. That’s not a healthy or good thing; not for the person nor for the economy. Yes, there’s been countless studies on how important a balanced life is for workers in our economy. Any company who tries to short-circuit that truth is not just greedy, they’re short-term greedy. But that’s another rant. The thing is, your life shouldn’t be defined by your job or how hard you work or how much you sacrificed for your freakin job. There’s something to be said for being in a place where you can do what is your passion, your calling, your love…


On the other hand, not everyone *has* a passion/calling/love. Not everyone is endowed with the brains and fortitude to just forego working in order to survive. The flip side to that is that we still need basic workers in our world – it doesn’t matter whether it’s a capitalist economy or socialist economy or anything in between; we’ll always need someone to set the table, sweep the floor and dig the garden. And there’s always going to be people who are only really equipped to do those things. We used to call that “menial labor” but that became a bad thing? Like there’s something to be ashamed of just doing a basic job and then getting paid and going home? In fact, in some ways, it’s far better than any “higher profession” – people who do menial labor can finish their job and go home and not worry one iota about the business once they leave. They can still do their job with a sense of pride and there’s no reason they can’t be praised for doing a good job, whatever it is. Menial labor can be fulfilling and satisfying. And there’s nothing wrong with that.


And there’s people who went up the academic “ladder” and found it to be the most exciting, fun and fulfilling thing they ever did. They want nothing more than to sit in their lab/office/podium/desktop forever working on that amazing discovery or breakthrough. And there’s people who learned a trade that has limitations of quality and promotion and they’re perfectly happy to do that to the best of their ability.


It all can fit into our society. None of it has to be thought of as bad or lesser.
What matters is the ability to CHOOSE what you’re going to do and even change later if you want to. Choice is what matters to everyone. In our mixed-mostly-capitalist society here in America, choice is what’s curtailed and punished the most.
That’s what’s really wrong.


So what we’ve got to teach our corporate overlords right now, is that we have realized that even though many of us “need” to work (survival) none of “need” the punishing jobs that corporate-orama are trying to force us into. I see this lesson starting to be taught by the “menial laborers” and I’m hoping it doesn’t fizzle out, I hope it doesn’t die down. Because middle management, corporate overlords and CEOS – they may run things, but they don’t make the company RUN. If your drones don’t show up, you can’t do the business part that actually makes the money. You’re left with just people who push the paper and count the beans. Not to say there’s anything wrong with pushing paper and counting beans – those workers should be treated well too! – but those people aren’t the ones who make the donuts every day.
If you take away the choices, punish those who try to balance their lives and then shove the workers into barely-survivable boxes, there’s nothing left to be proud of. There’s nothing left to desire. It’s all just drudgery and sadness.
Well we just spent a year getting our priorities in order and we are starting to realize that there are other ways to survive. Maybe, we can make it without you, corporate-orama. Maybe we can hold our longer than you can. You think gig economy is a flash in the pan? It’s gone to street-level now. Gig economy is now normalized.
It’s not that government paying us means we’re lazy. We had enough time to take stock of our lives, grieve our losses and ask ourselves some hard questions about the quality of life. And our answers don’t really include being afraid of you anymore. When our priorities changed. our perspectives changed.

Maybe you better start getting YOUR priorities in order, corporate-orama.

The sound of seven shots – defund the police

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I don’t talk about politics much on this page because I talk on my facebook page. I don’t get much feedback because I don’t have much readership here. But every now and then I post something here and cross-post on my social media because this is a better presentation.

I’m not going to bother talking about how I’ve been following the BLM movement and all the events leading up to it. Whoever you are, reading this, have likely made up your mind about BLM and you aren’t going to change. BLM has been challenging a system of inequity and inequality for some time now. They have been ignored, swept aside and ridiculed for as long as they’ve been in public. I believe there are people who have been sitting on the sidelines and carefully avoiding making any choices about this situation in our nation. People who have too many associations with BLM that incline them away from empathizing with their message. But forget about BLM for a minute. BLM has been joined by so many people that no one can ignore it anymore. No one can really sit on the sidelines of opinion anymore. Because it’s gone beyond BLM.

What’s happening now is the next step: The system is trying to defend itself against the challenge.

Do I really believe that more people have come to care about BLM? No. I wish it were so because I believe in their message too, but the reality is that as BLM has protested, marched, spoke up and gone viral, people have realized that the system is rotten for everyone. And people have joined, slowly, over time, to join the protests because they can see that even just challenging the rotten core of the system results in havoc and death for everyone. Maybe people have woken up and realized that the system may be coming for them, maybe people have finally had a closer degree of separation from the people who are being gunned down. Maybe people saw one too many videos. Maybe people just heard one too many shots.

And the word needs to spread.

This is tragic. This is beyond tragic. This is alarms and sirens for our nation. This is past “warning shots”.

What has been happening for years and years is now to the point where people are done being “nice” about it and are now protesting in the streets in whatever manner will get the attention and keep the focus. Things have progressed to the point where even the protests have stopped being “nice” and people are starting to legitimately riot – burning buildings, trashing edifices, smashing businesses, even occasionally threatening other people.

I’m not going to tell you that’s all wrong. I’m not going to start pretending that cherry-picked quotes from MLK are applicable here. I’m not going to caution people to “go high” and “be the better person” or anything like that.

Because I can’t care about that anymore. We are way beyond that. There have been too many shots fired.

Don’t you see? It’s so horrific…. we can’t take it anymore. I read about Jacob Blake in Kenosha and my heart just shredded into pieces. I’ve been upset and angry and cried and argued and pleaded and screamed and I’m just so fucking exhausted now. And at this point, is it only Black people who are being gunned down by the police? No. But they are still the main targets. They are our martyrs and examples. They are the crucified, held up to warn the rest of us what will happen if we keep shouting against this nightmare. The police are still firing “warning shots” at us all. And those shots are still killing people. The sound of shots is supposed to scare us, keep us in check, make us cower and bow down to the people with uniforms and weapons. But it doesn’t matter if we do those things… they are still shredding our hearts with the sound of more shots. How many shots can you listen to before you break down and stop letting this happen? How many deaths can you stand?

What happened to this man, and all the people gunned down by police, is just beyond heinous; it’s offensive to everything we associate with being an American. Our justice system is a system that trumpets how “fair” it is supposed to be. How we give accused people the presumption of innocence and force the prosecution to prove guilt – we do not make the defense prove innocence. This is our system and we have reason to be immensely proud of it; in theory. Because this system is not being offered to anyone who isn’t White and Able, and Hetero and living their assigned gender from birth and walking around with citizenship papers. It’s not. And what’s almost as bad is that now, that same system is trying to raise its powerful fist to crush anyone who speaks out about it. And that goes against everything we SAY we believe as Americans. We have freedom to protest. We have not just a right, but an obligation to make our government – national or local – to listen to our grievances and address them. This is one of our many rights too. We have rights that other nations dream of, yet here we are, letting the authorities pay lip service to those rights and get away with murder. We raise up the words of our founding fathers (knowing many were slave-owners and rapists) because the ideals they touted, the fine words they uttered were the goals of our nation. Even though our founding fathers couldn’t *follow* those words, they still wanted to believe in them; they wanted to build a nation that followed those ideals.

And here we are.

All those people who are protesting, you look at them and what do you see? You see reprehensible folks who aren’t bowing down to the system? The system that perhaps protects YOU just fine?

I see people who have gone from sad and grieving to angry to rageful to outraged to despondent and so many other emotions… this is our country, our culture and we look around and see a system that is trying to break us, enslave us, censor us and if we don’t comply, they kill us. All the laws in the world won’t save us if the system behind those laws puts its boots on our necks and begins to press down. All the speeches in the world won’t help us when the sound of shots ring out again.

So when I look at those crowds, I don’t just see my fellow activists, fighting the good fight to get something changed, I see people who have cried, like I did, when they read just one more damned story about someone getting killed by the police. I see people who thought about their friends, their family, their online pals, people they care about and maybe even people they don’t know – getting caught under the boot of this system and having their lives snuffed out in the blink of an eye… in the sound of seven shots.

https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2020/08/24/us/kenosha-police-shooting-jacob-blake

Airbnb Lessons

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I’ve been renting out my bedroom on Airbnb for a while now. It’s been interesting and profitable. On the whole, not an unhappy endeavor, but it’s not making me rich by any means. Based on the money I’ve put into it and the money I’ve made and the extra bills I’ve had to pay and the time I’ve spent on it, I’ve come out barely ahead. Still it’s worth it to not be a slave to an hourly job for next-to-nothing. Once classes start again, this will be even more helpful for my life.

There are some things I learned “the hard way” though and there are some things I wish travelers would understanding about staying in “an Airbnb” (Yay for new nouns!) These apply mostly for those of us who also live in the space you are renting.  I can’t speak for commercial hosts.

  1. Stop asking for discounts before booking.  Running an Airbnb is not free nor is it cheap. Hosts pay for many things – some of which you see (like toilet paper) and some of which you don’t (like electricity) so don’t think we don’t  notice when you decide to treat us like a laundromat.  More importantly, we pay mortgage/rent to actually have this space to rent to you, so asking for a discount is entitled. Our bank doesn’t give US a discount. Your being in our space literally costs us money. Airbnb also does everything to make your stay cheaper – the push hosts HARD to give discounts (weekly, first-timers, off-season, et cet) and they push HARD for us to have low prices (smart pricing fluctuates with use). Asking for a discount is annoying. Airbnb doesn’t offer US a discount – we pay them! One time I had a family of 6 staying with me for $17/day. I lost money on that booking but I did learn about proper pricing. Now, once you’ve stayed with us we might be amenable to giving you an extra-special deal, but that runs into the next problem…
  2. Don’t wait to book more time.  Airbnb does everything they can to keep our space booked at all possible times. When in doubt, overbook your rental. If you think there’s a possibility of needing an extra day, BOOK IT. Not because it makes us more money but because you asking us if you can stay an extra day or two the day before you’re scheduled to check-out puts us in an uncomfortable position of having to say “no” to a guest. We’d actually rather have you stay an extra day than have to switch guests more. We’d love to have you stay extra time but it can’t happen when you wait too long to book – we’ve usually already got someone else coming. If you get to the space and it seems decent then as soon as you know you’ll need extra time ASK. I’ve had almost every guest ask if they can stay extra time and every one of them I’ve had to turn down because they waited until the day before check-out to ask.  When someone’s already booked the space, I can’t let you stay extra no matter how much I like you. If you book an extra day and then don’t end up needing it, tell the host and ask them if you can get part of your money back. Some hosts have buffer days between guests and might not have a problem. Even if they say no, you’ve only paid one day. It’s not that bad. Most of all, if you realize you need extra time, do not wait to ask for it. If you do get to do an new booking, you might ask the host to waive the cleaning fee since you’re not leaving in between because…
  3. This is not a hotel. When your garbage is full, please bring us the bag. If you’re really lazy, ask for the trash to be taken out but do NOT let it overflow. Right now, if I had a dollar for every empty water bottle I had to retrieve from behind the bed I’d be able to take my kid to Disneyland. If you share a kitchen, wash your dishes before you leave. If you’re eating/drinking in your room, ask for the protocol. I put coasters in the bedroom and I have yet to see anyone use them (yes,  I can tell). If I supply you towels, please wash them yourself rather than dumping them in my hamper and asking me for another towel. Basically act like an adult. You are renting a space MUCH cheaper than a hotel so appreciate that fact and pick up after yourself. If you are more aware of your surroundings, perhaps you’ll be better at keeping track of your own stuff which leads us to ask…
  4. Please check your stuff before you leave. I’ve “lost” things like towels and cleaning supplies to guests. I am sure they didn’t mean to take those things but it can easily happen if you’re packing to leave and you don’t double-check your stuff. At the same time, I’ve found things guests left behind. So please, check your stuff before you you leave. It may not seem like  a big deal but having to replace stuff other guests will need while having a pile of stuff nobody needs is a mild pain, and it can get expensive. Towels are a minimum of $7 at Target. if you take two that’s $15. If you take a couple of washcloths as well? I’ve basically lost a day’s worth of earnings. How would you like to have a day of work cut out of your check because your boss just couldn’t be bothered to give it to you? That’s kind of how I felt about it. Having stuff disappear is especially aggravating because…
  5. I live here too.  Please never forget that I (and my family) live here too. There is a “house rules” section on the listing but there are some “rules” we don’t don’t think to put on there, so when in doubt, ASK. I allow pets in my space and I’ve already had a guest who thought it was perfectly okay to let their dogs go in my backyard to do their business. This was not okay with me. I had assumed they would take their dogs for a walk to do their business. Having three dogs poop every day for a week meant my son could not mow the lawn. Which meant the grass grew. Which meant I couldn’t spray the yard for mosquitoes. Which meant we were all getting bitten like crazy every time we went outside. My “house rules” section is already long. Now I’ve got to put another rule about where your dogs can poop? I’ve had guests move the furniture, leave doors open, wake me up at ungodly hours, block my car et cet. I can’t possibly write a rule for everything we do here in the house. But I should not have to write rules like “please don’t slam the door at OhGawd o’clock” or “please don’t leave toenail clippings all over the bathroom”  – some things should be common courtesy. That said..
  6. I like having you.  I do Airbnb because I need the money. I also really enjoy the company. I have baked treats for my guests, spent an evening watching TV with my guests, explained how my video game works, offered them alcohol, told them where to get dinner and how to shop for groceries. I like having people over. I hope this enjoyment is not ruined by some bad experiences in the future. When you stay with a host, do not be afraid to be friendly. We mostly like having people over and welcome a chance to get to know you. If you want to be totally private, that’s fine too, but there’s no reason you can’t smile occasionally and say hello as you pass by us.
  7. Please leave a personal message. So much of our success as a host depends on the star review. But the star review doesn’t tell us anything. You have the chance to give us a personal note as well so consider doing that instead of leaving a low star review on any of the categories. I’ve learned a LOT from the personal notes and it’s helped me improve my host game, but people who leave a 4 star didn’t help me at all. I need to know WHY you weren’t completely satisfied. Finding out that someone thought I needed to change out the trash can to one that has a lid? Totally helpful. 4 stars for “cleanliness”? Not helpful.

Carrot Sticks – a side view

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Carrot Sticks

 

 

 

This, and the resulting very civil comments, is absolutely worth reading. is not that long. he’s talking about the mindset of the angry, rights-busting conservatives from an anthropological prism and I think he’s totally right.

I would add that for some of these people, the consternation is twisted higher from the source: some people are upset at the government’s complicity in over-throwing the moral feudalism they grew up with and it makes them believe in conspiracy theories. but some are aghast that their own children have rebelled against the very system which afforded them the “rightful” privileges the parents expected gratitude for bestowing.

I watched this shift as an outsider my whole life. I like the fact that the newest generation takes most of our “non-conformity” as their baseline; their “normal”

I remember reading a book from the 50s, in it, one of the characters remarks in how it’s too bad the children have to shun a particular little child because their parents got divorced. I had to ask my parents what the hell this meant: why would kids shun another kid whose parents were divorced? they struggled to give me an answer that made sense but I could see the situation did not surprise them.

I also would expound upon this aspect:
“It used to be about not doing anything weird, and looking down on anybody who did.
Now it’s about not doing anything cruel, and looking down on anyone who does.
There used to be people it was not only OK to be cruel about, but REWARDED to be cruel about.”
The first shift happened (I think) when people were forced to share space with others who had genetic differences – skin color, hair structure, body ability – and realized that they could detect a similar humanity with those “other” and therefore changed the rules to “we extend non-cruelty to those who may APPEAR different but are actually accepted as fellow humans” and the definition changed to “if they can’t help it, you can pity them instead of being cruel” Which essentially was the moral model of disability (and here “disability” includes anyone who cannot conform due to genetic differences)to the pity model. People used to think it was morally superior to feel sorry for POC. That was considered “enlightened”

this is why it became important to change the rallying cry of human rights past “we can’t help it so stop being mean to us” because it exonerates the perpetrator from continuing to exclude “the other” so long as they are no longer actively harming them. Passive harm through inaction, refusal to help and systemic harm was acceptable because of the pity model “too bad, that’s just how things are. Just adjust” (and be happy we aren’t outright killing you anymore”)

At this point, we are still stuck in different zones between “it doesn’t matter whether I choose to identify as this person type, I have the right to exist and move through society just like anyone else” and “look, just stop killing us” when it comes to oppression in our developed country of America. We recognize that “choice” and “genetic difference” make no difference in how cruelty is applied – it’s against our beliefs of opportunity and freedom to continue to allow society to structure itself around the notion of “those of us who are good” versus “those of us who are abnormal”

One of the things those people cannot see is that (at least from a purely pragmatic POV) eliminating “good versus different” model actually results in a larger, stronger social fabric. They cannot see this because they were indoctrinated with the notion that the strength of our society relies upon purity.

Exposure and tolerance are self-perpetuating feed-cycle: the more time spent around “the other” without harm, the more tolerance builds. It is as simple as that. But growing up without the mindset of “you are a good citizen when you act like us” gives new generations a jump-start into that cycle. Even as far back as the 90s, children were being raised into and around families that fought hard for respect and recognition and saw the pointlessness of cruelty as a social fabric. So I do believe this is a construct that is crumbling.

 

It seems glacially slow, but it is happening with lightning speed to those of us who remember the earlier days.