It’s been a while since I talked about him… because I don’t want to whine, rant or go on endlessly about something that can’t be changed.

But consider; he’s going to be a teenager soon. That’s right… my crazy sweety-b is going to hit puberty, adolescence, the hell-years etc.

It is like a reminder of something I often forget: he does develop, just slowly. Because his development is so slow and sometimes arduous I tend to forget that he is still growing, learning and changing. Do you realize that in ten years, he will be “ready” to get married, have a baby by my OWN standards of “acceptable normality”? Hell he’ll be a legal adult by then! good gravy.

His reading skills are improving… bit by bit. It’s almost weird to see him reading like other kids – albeit kids who are about half his age but anyways – and I think maybe I started believing that maybe he’d never “get it”. One thing is the same; I still am inspired and lifted up by his never-ending resiliance and tireless efforts to improve. I’m not talking about improving in the sense of somehow not being autistic, I’m talking about how he never stops trying to learn, trying to understand. It is not about faking his way through life, not for him and not for me. It’s about understanding where he’s coming from and understanding what he’s missing so that he can try to grasp, in some way, what other people are like and how to deal with them. He still seems to love people so much – he wants to talk to them, share with them, interact – the term itself “Autism” seems so incredibly wrong for him. I don’t see him wrapped up in his little world of himself any more than anyone else. In fact he interjects himself into every social situation he can which amazes me. He seems to have no social fear. Oh occasionally he is enveloped by his paranoia but even though that’s a symptom of his affliction, in some ways he can be sharply perceptive. After all, he is different and people do stare at him and kids do laugh at him sometimes. It gets hard to tell him to ignore his paranoia because I know exactly how he feels but I also know that ignoring it is pretty much the only way to deal with it for him. He’s not really a confrontational type and so I counsel him to not dwell on his fear and move past it. Which he usually does. Most times though, he has no fear. It’s only when he’s feeling particularly vulnerable that the symptom rears it’s head. Most times, he talks to strangers, jumps into conversations and attempts to connect to others.

It’s amazing to me.

Ahhh my thoughts are all jumbled and weary. I should try this another time.