So here’s a hot take on my process of weeding through OkCupid profiles:

Well you’ve got a stupid picture, goodbye.

Sportsfan huh? I suppose I could… whoa REALLY big sportsfan. Goodbye.

You pose with an animal you killed? While it’s still BLEEDING? Goodbye.

You sure like posing with hot chicks. Goodbye.

You just HAD to talk about your sexual proclivities in the first paragraph huh? Goodbye.

Another couple. Goodbye.

You’re a really hot chick, why are you on here? Not gonna pass but not gonna like… maybe there’s something in your profile… oh, no, there’s nothing. ‘Bot check, goodbye.

Well aren’t you bitter? Goodbye.

You want a “partner in crime”, a “special lady”, a “gorgeous creature”, a “queen” et cet Goodbye.

Another couple. Geeziz

Wow, you seem perfect! Oh, you’re 25. Dangit.

6’6??!? *sigh*

Only want hook-ups? Goodbye.

Already married? Goodbye.

One word answers to all the questions. Goodbye.

NO answers to any questions? Goodbye,

ANOTHER Couple. Omg

Wow you really look like shit in that photo. You couldn’t at least comb your damned hair? Goodbye.

“Country boy” Huh? No thanks.

All your photos are of work. *yawn*

Wow, you travel a lot. How could I ever keep up? Goodbye.

You clearly want a hottie. Goodbye.

ANOTHER COUPLE. FFS

ANOTHER MARRIED MAN. Oh he wants something “discreet” you know there’s sites specifically for that dumbass

You really love your dog…. a little too much.

If God comes first in your life… goodbye.

I really don’t need to see photos of your damned dog.

Another married man. Oh and he’s very up-front about wanting me to be a side-piece. Goodbye.

Wow, you’re exactly what I’m looking for and it looks like i’m exactly what you’re looking for – you’re 6’3 GODDAMMIT

Well you seem cool – YOU’RE 23?! GODDAMMIT

ANOTHER COUPLE

Oh you are so clever making sure your face doesn’t appear since you’re looking for “discreet fun” – fucking dumbass.

Oh I like you. I’ll send you a message based on what your profile says. I’m sure I’ll never hear back but let’s try.

Oh I’m so glad you mention 420. Several times. “nudge nudge wink wink”v Goodbye.

Ahh the inevitable edgey asshole. Glad you outed yourself early on in the profile so I don’t waste my time reading the rest of it. Goodbye.

“Fluent in sarcasm” – yeah I get it, har har. Goodbye.

You only read instruction manuals???

Another couple. But they want someone “clean”

Your favorite movie is Weekend at Bernies? Really!?

Married man alert!

Spellcheck exists for a reason, dumbass. (yes this is still a problem)

Butch Lesbian who is looking for a sub. *sigh*

Gorgeous lesbian who refuses to talk to bisexuals. *sigh*

Transwoman who is older than me *sigh*

Married man who links me to his wife’s profile. Oh yay.

Cute profile that is silly and inventive. Me likey. Never hear back after three exchanges but hope springs eternal.