depression

There’s a lot of blogs that talk about depression. A lot of really great writers have posted their journey and expressed how depression “looks” to them. I say “looks” because depression isn’t always something you feel. Sometimes its just a glass you look through. For some people, the glass is distorted and scary. For some people the glass is cloudy and hard to see through at all. For some people the glass is blue and everything seems sad. For some people the glass is grey and everything seems lifeless. For most people, its a combination of views often changing and morphing into other views.

For me, the glass is high-contrast grey – lifeless but painfully clear and sharp enough to hurt sometimes. There’s a dull film of emptiness laying over everything but there’s also an intrusive stab that comes whenever something happens unexpectedly.

One of the most draining things is making decisions. Did you know that? Think about it…

So stands to reason when one is depressed, making choices and decisions are about the most exhausting things a person can do. Yet I can’t believe how often I’ve encountered the question “so would you like to do ____ or ___?” after I’ve clearly stated I am depressed. Terribly depressed. Incredibly depressed. My brain can’t function very well except for the simplest things and anything external stimuli is excruciating to deal with. The very sound of the birds chirping makes me want to run screaming into a cave. So it stands to reason, when I am depressed, the very worst thing in the world is to have to make decisions and choices of any kind.

Now, my logical facilities are working somewhat. I have an autopilot for most life functions. I can get through just about any situation necessary. Its the unnecessary situations that enrage or drain me. The more trite the decision, the more draining or enraging it will be.

So at this point in time, I am trying to avoid everything that requires excessive attention, focus or decision-making. I can’t do it. This is why in the past month I’ve begun at least five writing pieces and finished none of them. And I don’t mean they aren’t perfect enough. I mean I just drifted off in the middle of them and lost all interest. I know I’ll get back to them and so they are posted privately for me to dive into later.

This was also how I finally realized just how bad this has gotten.

I can’t write.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for a new scrip. Hopefully in a few days I’ll have more coherent things to say.

 

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3 thoughts on “depression

  1. Break the trend. If you are depressed and do depressing things it stands to reason that things won’t get better. Hang out with friends, go to movies, work out, go out and meet people. Start making youself happy and it will translate outward. Being heartbreak lasts as long as you let it. Take control and move forward. There are lots of guys looking for nice girls.

    • Break the trend? What trend? I radically changed my life four months ago and have been doing different things ever since. I hang out with friends nearly every day. I watch a movie at least twice a week. I work out every now and then but having a chronic pain condition kind of limits that.

      You clearly know nothing about me or my life. I’m going through what would be considered an EXTREMELY stressful time by just about anyone and that’s because I decided to change my life for the better. I’ve already started on the path and been moving towards an awesome future and you have the gall to act like I’m flailing about being depressed because I’m “doing depressing things”?

      You know nothing Bernard V James. But maybe if you stick around, you could learn something.

    • Some of us with depression got where we were because we spent far too long “taking control” and “moving forward” because that’s what the world tells us to do instead of acknowledging our feelings. Some of us are depressed and we have no idea why.

      Faking it ’til you make it only goes so far. If you think depression is a thing that can just be shrugged off with an effort, you are lucky. People who think this way haven’t experienced clinical depression. I know, because I used to be one of those people.

      I’m not anymore.

      Even if it’s triggered by a specific situation, changing your situation doesn’t necessarily make the depression disappear.

      You have no idea how much strength it takes to make life-changing decisions when you’re in so much pain (or so dead inside) you can barely find the motivation to keep existing.

      When those life changes don’t magically fix it all, you have no idea how much force of will it takes to even ask for help.

      And you have no idea how lucky you are.

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