“longing” (2005)

Ache

feel a vacuum inside
not know what to use to fill it
try something different

ache
think of it as pain
think of it as lack
think of it as sadness
think of it as anger

wish hope dream
find things distracting
hate distraction
love distraction
find it all too petty

roam around
touch inside
find a place, a part, a feeling
something good, something comforting

watch it go away
hurt, ragged edges bleeding from a scar not ready made from before
watch yourself tear it up
look away again
the tickle of it sliding away from the source
you should wipe it up, clean it up, close it up
hide it away
until there’s no reason to ache anymore

no comfort
no healing
no end it seems like

talk to yourself
convince yourself
make plans, close doors, wrap yourself up tight
constrict yourself against the future

you know better than that
constriction becomes death

aching is still living
confusion is still thinking
anger is still feeling
something is better than nothing

stop
swim
float
be carried along with the void
let it bring you somewhere different
let it remind you of what you want

what you want is part of who you are
how many reminders do you need?
they all point towards you again
even though the world does not revolve around you
the world IS you
live through it
grasp something on your way out
stick it on your mirror
so everytime you look at your memory of the pain, the anger, the confusion,
the ache
you’re looking at yourself
and you know that the existance of it
proves you’re still you

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