ninety minutes

ninety minutes of the roller coaster

ninety minutes of exquisite torture

ninety minutes of all our emotions

ninety minutes of familiar hell

up we go

declarations of love, eyes wide, pupils dilated, hands clasped in earnest begging

face cast heavenward, pleading, beseeching, cadence of hope, rhymes of connection.

All the words you think I want to hear, flame brightly too fast, then wisp away

falling into my lap like ashes from your heart

I watch them scatter then blow them away, down they go, floating past the shards of old dreams

sinking into the dustbin of our life together

down we go

voice keening, winding into pain, grimaced mouth, twisting into anguish, fingers spread and reaching out for warmth

tears streaming from puffed bloodshot eyes, accusing, rhythm of fear, metered in control.

Pouring forth words you think will hurt, stab sharply too neat, then slide away

pounding on my chest like blows from a hammer

I feel them sink inside then fade away, inside they go, adding to the scars of the past

blending into the chaos of our love before

up we go

tempo blazes, notes of reason, slit eyes, move with fervor, teeth set in resolution and grinding from impatience

hairs raised on goose-bumped skin, alien, movements of threat, held in check by implication.

Barking out words you think will convince, sing sweetly too sure, then crumble away

dropping in my mind like coins in a piggy bank

I feel them line up then roll away, weighted they grow, creating new dread

and  an alarm I can’t ignore

down we go

up we go

down we go

up we go

ninety minutes more

my life I chart just  as before

ninety minutes gone

our connection all wrong

ninety minutes again

I’m done. This is the end.

Ninety minutes I say

I will not live this way.