Went to visit SNO tonight. We had dinner, coffee, chatted about this and that and I bought him some groceries. Twas funny; I didn’t think I was helicoptering but he kept reassuring me. Had to bite my tongue to keep from saying “son, I KNOW you’ll be fine, the question is do YOU think you’ll be fine?” I merely said, “I can tell you’ll be fine, are fine, I’m not worried about you but son, I’m mom, this is what I do – make sure you have everything you need”
At one point he joked about being “the golden child” to those people and it stung a little, raised my ire a little… because I know those jerks, they’ll passive-aggressively pressure that boy to become SOMETHING GREAT before he even knows which direction he’s going and I won’t have that. His father collapsed under their constant prodding and praising. I hardly blame the man (he didn’t have to go so far in the other direction, but that’s a whole ‘nother outdated and unnecessary story) because I did all I could to make them approve of me for a few years until I gave up – they aren’t MY parents. I’ll not have my Firstborn feeling like he has to make up for his failure of a father. I reminded him that much as I love him he is not a “golden child” to ME. Told him I think he’s awesome and so far I’m pleased with him but I diapered his bottom and kissed his boo-boos, I know he has faults and flaws and I’m not scared to say so. I also reminded him that regardless of whatever they try to make him into, he is MY son, not theirs and he has no one to answer to but himself. Told him I understand their desire to put a “son” through college and get a “success” out him but he’s NOT their son, he doesn’t have to prove anything to them and they’re going to have to deal with that sooner or later.
“son,” I said, “I’m thrilled you’re in school because I think you’ll like it, but you go and you do well because its what you want, not because you owe something to them. You don’t.” I think I saw relief on his face. He’s come through a lot of shit, worked through a lot of issues and I’m proud of him but I don’t go around belaboring achievements. You’ve done the background, now get started on your life. I refuse to pressure the boy. I will push him, because I know how easily he gives up but he’s getting better about it and the last thing he needs is a superiority complex.
I asked him how he liked living “alone” now. He said it was hard to get used to teh quiet. I nailed that one. Told him he needed to go outside often, take a walk, he lives downtown now! there’s always something going on. He said he missed the kids. About burst my heart to hear that. Hell I knew he loved them, but its good to hear it too. I teased him saying “and here I thought you didn’t care…” “mom,” he said, “of course I like them, I was just being stoic and pretending I didn’t” “yes,” I said, “i know. I was jsut teasing you”
Then I told him how the boys asked about him, how Lil Miss obviously misses him. How I thougth about bringing the boys but I wanted him to myself for one evening. I’ll bring them next time. I think he liked that too.
See, leaving home for me wasn’t anything like this. I have no blueprint. No guidance, no history to tell me what I’m supposed to do or say. How he wants me to act. So I act like I feel; a little sad, a little petulent, a little proud and a lot happy just to see him. I think he felt the same way.